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  Be the #oscarbelgal bystander video you wish to see in the world

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  @TheBreadmonkey Owing to a misprint on the call sheet I was thrown off the set for masturbating furiously on a jet ski

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  @TheBreadmonkey Goweldeneye i think

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  Sourtoe cocktail: now I feel ill, and I have only read about it. Do carry on.

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  When I was at school in the 80s 'scampi' featured on the school dinner menu - breaded little gristly bits that tasted vaguely of fish but definitely weren't shrimp, let alone scampi. We called them 'Grimsbies' and gave the same label to any chunks of mystery meat. Damned if I know where the label came from. We were in *Ulster* for heaven's sake #Grimsby #schooldinners

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  Seems like a good time to remind people who Farage includes among his friends #nigelfarage #andrewtate

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  But the joke is on pizza guy - it's Domino's so I always chew slowly, because I'm wondering if I've accidentally taken a bite out of the box by mistake

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  @stux@mstdn.social This is pretty much me going into work on a Monday. Except it's three technicians on the pile of dead leaves, and there's more coffee and MUCH more hissing https://mstdn.social/@stux/116190257229408037

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  When I was eight we learned about preying mantises at school in Ireland and I was like Whoa! So weird! Well I'm never going to see one of those! I would love to go back in time and tell 8yo me that I would move to New Zealand where every autumn would be a battle to save dozens of the plucky little buggers from being turned into spiky green vomit sausages in the throat of my stupid cat

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  @Alice Perfect for fancy restaurants. Just hold it up and SLUP-slup-slup-slup-slup-slup-slup-slup

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  @thomasbeagle "Owaah the microphone on this is just perfect for warming my asshole"

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  Tomorrow's Southern Hemisphere plan: 1. Make a pile out of all the warm fluffy things in the house 2. Add cats to top of pile 3. Burrow into middle of pile with a packet of biscuits and a book

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  @Mrfunkedude COMING FOR YOUR SNACKS

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  Finally figured out why New Zealand garlic is so disappointing, both in the shops and in the garden - it's because the only commercial variety here is printanor. Printanor hates winter temperatures, needs to go in in the spring and never bulbs up properly. Straight in the bin, imho. So that's off my grow list until I can get a heritage variety from Koanga or similar. Bugger. #gardeningNZ

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  I was BORN too old for this shit

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  Oh goddamn, RIP Nicholas Brendon. Not an easy life.

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  If you feel like your life is off kilter, like you just can't get back on the beat -do what the professionals do. Turn around and follow the drummer