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  Open source burrito

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  Vet explaining to a cat its chonk levels

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  Successful night tonight, my chums. Very lovely to have unlocked a new level in life of going out with non-drinking male friends. Difficult to convey the alcohol culture in the UK, but you're basically indoctrinated into going out with your mates and getting annihilated on alcohol and that's essentially your whole social and personal relationships. Unsurprisingly this has a knock on effect to many other areas of your lives. Culturally it's not terribly healthy. So I'm thrilled to...

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  Why do young people love going out so frickin' much? We get it. You love being out. You still believe the world is an inherently good place full of possibilities. You've not yet completed The Trials or know The Terrible Truth. Only indoors is safe. Inside with the doors locked and the curtains closed. At home where the TV and the biscuits live. There are no surprises at home. You cannot bump into people. No loud and terrifying public transport. Just soft carpet and your best friend - old...

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  Just had to post a letter and go to the dry cleaners like it's the 1980s. Decided to come for a coffee by myself and read my book. Strong recommend. I am an island. The waves lap at my shores, but I exist alone and immutable. I've had quite a lot of coffee today it may be that I am wording wrong.

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  Imagine if Chewbacca miaowed

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  Imagine if skeletons were brightly illuminated but just lose their shine as they come into contact with air. Probably why they show up so well on xrays. We're all walking about with internal high-beams on and we don't even know it. Wait is that why I always hear that fizzing sound?

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  Elderly woman sat next to me on the bus and noisily ate two chocolate bars for breakfast whilst loudly watching cartoons on her phone and cackling. I'm sort of horrified but part of me is like good for her.

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  There's a 10 minute fight sequence in the film Atomic Blonde where Charlize Theron gets the absolute shit kicked out of her and then has a cold bath, takes a couple of painkillers and is basically fine. I had a little fall a week ago and honestly I can barely move. Once again Hollywood has lied to us. When will they make a realistic film? I vote me for the new James Bond. Just me, avoiding confrontation and eating sandwiches in the dark like a super spy. Where's Ben? Is he in the Kremlin...

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  John Lewis is bullshit. I would like to vote John Lewis out. Redistribute the wealth. John Lewis is the Sheriff of Nottingham of shops. Or Christmas. I've lost control of this metaphor.

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  Just apologised to a magpie, if you're wondering how my morning is going

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  New metaphor just dropped Scientists detect signals at the smallest scale ever explored https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5pvgxkkv4dzo

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  What did I say? You connect appliances to the internet, this is what you get. You should not be able to hack yoghurt. Shop freezers in six European countries hit by suspected cyber-attack https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cq1kd1nee80eo

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  I shouldn't be allowed on the Internet

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  LOOK AT MY NEPHEW 💀

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  Who decides what size is 'fun'?

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  Trying out some new Halloween avatar ideas....

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  We've all been there

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  I've said it before and I'll say it again - all science is made up. I could have written this. Just give me a lab coat and get me to CERN. I've got some sciencin' to do. Neglected particle from the dawn of time could explain why the universe still exists, new study claims https://www.livescience.com/physics-mathematics/particle-physics/a-neglected-particle-from-the-dawn-of-time-could-explain-why-everything-in-the-universe-exists

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  It is *quite* weird we're supposed to believe that these giant monsters used to just walk about the place before a big space rock made all their bones go underground. Oh yeah this one is a trillion years old, bigger than a house and looked like an armoured lizard. What are you SMOKING, my friend? Rare fossil of T. rex's little cousin sells for $47 million https://apnews.com/article/nanotyrannus-dinosaur-fossil-auction-sothebys-t-rex-2ad6c02610c3fa548a496b2395c83081

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  Yet another day is upon us. Relentless. An endless barrage. A ceaseless attack. If I could stop time I would simply lie motionless on the floor for 8 or 9 days straight (and then a couple of days curled up). Then I'd probably just do a bunch of crime.

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  Goodnight Fedi. You are - whether you like it or not - a collection of the most disparate and interesting sentient arrangement of atoms in this stupid thing we call life. For what it's worth I happen to think you're the most pleasing collection of nonsense to my fractured mind. So.... that's maybe something? I'm trying to say I love you and think you're terrific. Big love and power to you. You're gorgeous. Goodnight fam. Xx

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  Money isn't real

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  It is DARK. It is COLD. It is RAINING. I am TIRED. I had a bad day at work yesterday which I responded to by having a bit of a LATE NIGHT. I had to go to LONDON TOWN today, which is the loudest and most terrifying place on this or any other PLANET. I cannot convey to you the depths of which I do not wish to go running. I haven't been in weeks because I've been ill. I don't think I even remember how to run. Is that the one with the arms? Trish is basically making me go. Urgh. Stupid...

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  Important witch travel announcement

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  The full Obama speech from yesterday is well worth a watch if you're not totally keen on the current administration, or simply want to be reminded of what a terrific orator he is, or if you want to hear some of the most devastating burns of all time. It really highlights just how silly some of this stuff is. And whilst one guy is clearly lining his pockets and doesn't give a shit about the people who voted him in, the other guy still fights for them, regardless.

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  All of human accomplishment - an entire history of vast technological advancement. And yet the enduring achievement will be the Nazca Lines. No one gives a shit about the iPhone mate, show me your big ground drawings.

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  Obamas speech is absolutely brutal. 'He’s got the White House looking like Saddam Hussein opened up a Cheesecake Factory'. 😂😂😂😂

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  I'm bringing back greeting people in the streets. I have thus far good-morning'd 6 unsuspecting folk of my local community and have achieved a 100% hit rate. I cannot be stopped. I am the friendly neighbourhood....Goodmorning-Man. Goodmorning-Man, Goodmorning-Man. Does whatever a goodmorning can.

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  All I long for is a hidden door leading to a secret underground area. Possibly a cave.